Sunday, October 10, 2010

This is My Joy

My husband and I and our then two children moved from Washington State to Utah thirteen years ago last month.  The circumstances surrounding our move may seem strange to some.  We had no job, no house, nothing that usually prompts a family to relocate.  We had a feeling.  We were both prompted at the same time that we needed to move to Utah.  We didn't know why.  We didn't know exactly how it was going to work, but we both knew we were supposed to go.

At the time of our decision, my husband had just finished a good-paying summer job.  He had been going to school and worked during the summer.  His summer paycheck is what would enable us to pay our moving expenses, so the timing seemed perfect.  I was working as a New Accounts Adviser at a local credit union, and I loved my job.  So sudden was our decision to move that I had, just days earlier, applied for a management position with the internal auditing department - without any inkling that I may not be there to actually accept the job.  When the credit union manager got wind of my impending move, he called me into his office.  He told me that he had been considering me for a promotion to branch manager of one of the neighboring branch offices, and that if I were to stay, the job would be mine.  This new position would have meant a significant increase in my income, and a very large step up the corporate ladder.  It was a very enticing proposition.  I talked it over with my husband, and we decided together that we should follow the prompting that we had both felt to move.  And so the next day, I turned in my notice.  We moved just under a month later.

When we arrived in Utah, we stayed in my grandmother's basement for a couple of months until we were able to afford our own apartment.  I found an incredible job at another credit union, and my husband stayed home with the kids.  The plan was for us to gain residency so that he could qualify for in-state tuition at Utah State University.  Well, we were thrown for some loops, including our son being diagnosed with Autism and me expecting our third child, that changed our plans.  My husband found a great job, and upon the arrival of our baby, I was able to quit my job to take care of the kids. 

I have been a stay-at-home mom for almost twelve years now.  If I were to say that I've loved every minute of it, I wouldn't be telling the whole truth.  There are days that I feel useless - like I'm not contributing anything to society.   My self-confidence has decreased exponentially.  I look at strong women in the world, with positions of power, and I can't even imagine myself in their shoes.  I used to be like them, but now I'm "just a mom".

Today, as I was reading, I could completely "liken the scriptures" to myself.  If I were to have written Alma, chapter 29, it would start something like this:

"O, that I were a working woman, and could have the wish of mine heart, that I might go forth and speak with eloquence and power, with a voice to shake the earth!  Yea, I would declare my wisdom, as with the voice of thunder, that they should listen to me, for I am creative and intelligent and I have many ideas.

But behold, I am a stay-at-home mom, and I do sin in my wish; for I ought to be content with the things the Lord hath allotted unto me.  Why should I desire more than to perform the work to which I have been called?  Why should I desire that I be a working woman, that I could speak unto all the ends of the earth?

I know that which the Lord hath commanded me, and I glory in it.  I do not glory of myself, but I glory in that which the Lord hath commanded me; yea, and this is my glory, that perhaps I may be an instrument in the hand of God to bring these little children back to Him; and this is my joy."

I think it's only natural to sometimes wish we could be something different than what we are.  To get caught up in "the grass is always greener" syndrome.  Looking back at that decision that my husband and I made, I can see the wisdom of the Lord in leading us here.  My son has seen incredible progress that he more than likely would not have seen had we stayed in Washington.  If I had taken that branch management position, it is very possible that I would not have wanted to continue having children, and I certainly would not be home to raise them.  I don't want anyone to think that I am "anti-working mom", because I am not.  I have the utmost respect for women who can hold down a job and a household.  That's just not what Heavenly Father had in store for me.  Even though I sometimes feel "less than" my working friends, I can look at the big picture and see how blessed I am to be where I am right now.  But most importantly, I can absolutely find joy in what I am - a full time mommy to six of the most amazing and creative and fun-loving kids in the world. 





 
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