The Anxiety of My Soul

These next few chapters are very tender to me.  Lehi is on his deathbed and is giving advice, last wishes even, to his children.  He is reminding them that they were brought to the promised land by the Lord, and if they stay faithful and obedient, the land will never be taken away from them.  In this chapter, he is specifically addressing Laman and Lemuel.  He pleads with them over and over to "Awake! and arise from the dust"  and "...awake from a deep sleep", and again "Awake my sons". 

I couldn't help but smile a little bit, thinking of the words I've wanted to say so often to my children - "WAKE UP!!".  As my children are getting older and more independent, more of the choices they make are their own, and not choices that I make for them.  Gone are the days of me picking out their clothes for them or arranging playdates - giving me the ultimate choice of who their friends are.  No more can I have control over every aspect of their lives.  Especially with my older kids, it's seeming more and more like the only choice I make for them is what we're having for dinner.  And they don't always go along with that one either.  Now that my oldest is dating, and I'm having to relinquish my firm grasp on her, I'm not dealing with it very well.  Whenever we're talking to a new acquaintance about our kids, and we mention that we have a dating-age daughter, almost without fail they ask, "How's dad dealing with that?".  And the answer that we give them, the truthful answer, is that dad is doing much better with it than mom is.  I'm not sure why it's so tough for me.  After all, I made it through my teenage years pretty much unscathed, and I'm sure she will, too.  Ultimately, it's probably about control.  The control I love so much and am losing little by little, date by date.

I can absolutely appreciate Lehi's words.

And I desire that ye should remember to observe the statutes and the judgments of the Lord; behold, this hath been the anxiety of my soul from the beginning.  My heart hath been weighed down with sorrow from time to time...

Although we have a far from perfect record when it comes to things like Family Home Evening and family scripture study, we have tried hard to instill the values and morals that we encompass into our kids.  I truly believe they know right from wrong.  They understand how important it is to live and follow God's commandments.  But they make mistakes.  We all do.  And some of them have made mistakes that have weighed my heart down with sorrow - and I know that there will be more of that to come as they venture out into the world.  I've seen my parents' hearts weighed down because of the choices that my brothers and sisters and I have made.  Not until I became a parent, especially a parent with older children, could I understand the things that I put my own parents through.  There have been times that I've called my mom and dad and just said "I am SO sorry" for some of the things that I did when I was growing up.  It's tough being a parent, but mostly it's tough to say as Lehi did:

O my sons, that these things might not come upon you, but that ye might be a choice and favored people of the Lord.  But behold, his will be done;...

 "Thy will be done."  That phrase is so hard to say!  I want my kids to grow up knowing the Lord and making all the right decisions.  I want their lives to be easy and full of joy.  But the Lord knows what is best for them.  Only He can see the big picture.  So, I guess ultimately, my job is to raise them in a way that they will be equipped to make the right decisions and then turn the rest over to Him.  I know they can make it.  I just need to have more faith in their choices, and faith that as they grow further and further away from me, they will grow towards the Lord.

Running into the Light                                                        ©Darrell Wyatt

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